The Saints Guy Entourage - Part 2

You know how a man can have a mid-life crisis, leave his wife and move to Cabo for six months with $20,000 in traveler’s checks and a pocket full of dreams?

Well, I’d never condone such behavior, but somehow my sabbatical seems to have had a similar effect. So if you’ve noticed a sudden surge in Saints Guy blogs, think of it as my way of coming back home for a weekend visitation and giving my kids a PS3 and an Easy-Bake Oven.

Back in November, I introduced The Saints Guy Entourage. I purposely only included the Saints section, because not all my friends are necessarily fans of our great team.

Now for part two of the ‘rage. These are the Non-Saints fans.

Liberace -- Lifelong Broncos fan. Liberace is not a Saints fan. He’s not even an NFC fan. He’s the guy who will text message you after a brutal Saints loss to rub it in that it was an AFC team that beat them because of his obsession with the Broncos. (And the nickname should not lead you astray; he got it from watching “Dirty Work,” which you should have watched by now.)

Dwigt -- Lifelong Vikings fan. That’s no misprint. This one’s for “The Office” fans out there. (My Office blog will be coming soon to a Saints Guy webpage near you.) Dwigt likes the Vikings, but he’s the epitome of “Way Too Proud of Texas Guy.” Seriously, anytime he talks, we cue this at work.

Dubya -- Lifelong Titans fan (lifelong as long as the Titans have been around -- not the Oilers). Dub is a down home guy who shares my sense of humor. Oh, and I also happen to work with him. As an avid lover of “The Office” as well, we can’t be in the same room during a meeting with other co-workers mouthing without “That’s what she said” when words such as “long” and “tool” pop up (That’s what she said.).

Mac -- Lifelong Browns fan. Mac’s another co-worker, and he’s almost always my roommate on the company road trips. Mac knows the feeling of decades of torture after following his Browns religiously, but the only difference is the Browns have actually been close enough to taste glory; the Saints have won two play-off games in 40 years.

(Side Note: Mac, sadly, will be moving away soon and taking one of The Saints Babe’s best friends with him. Mac certainly deserves a first-ballot Hall of Entourage Fame spot for giving The Saints Guy the motivation to even begin this web column.)

Romo -- Lifelong Cowboys fan. Romo’s nickname has nothing to do with him other than it’s a stupid name for a Cowboys fan. Makes sense, right? I’ve worked with both him and Sly before.

Also, let me reiterate this: The Saints Guy does NOT call these guys by said monikers, so if some seem ridiculous, I’m just trying to keep it complicated. It’s easy to remain in anonymity when the people you’re talking about have no idea who they are or aren’t exactly sure if that’s them or not.

Until next time.

Breakin’ Down the Draft -- Saints Guy Style

Okay, I’m really late to the after-draft party. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give my OWN reaction for each pick before I actually study them fully and give you my 2008 Saints Draft Grade which will come in the future.

Round 1: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC (6-0, 309)

At first, I was disheartened by this pick. I’m still hurting from the Jonathan Sullivan pick a few years ago where we mortgaged a whole lotta future for an overweight defensive tackle. Sullivan has since left the league and can be seen every Thursday night at the Golden Corral in Griffin, Ga.

So after about a month, it finally sank in just how good a deal this is going to be. A stud DT solidifies our d-line with tremendous talent, and provided Charles Grant (preheating oven to 450) doesn’t have any real problems with these charges (sticking own head in heated oven), we’ll have one of the best lines in the league (closing door with Saints Guy head inside).

And now the sarcastic quips for the non-franchise players (as of yet…).

Round 2: Tracy Porter, CB, Indiana (5-11, 188)

A cornerback from the worst BCS conference with mostly slow quarterbacks who can’t get a pass off because they’re so slow? Sign me up.

Round 5: DeMario Pressley, DT, North Carolina State (6-3, 299)

Ok, the last guy named Mario from North Carolina State who played defensive line worked out just fine… why the heck not?

Round 5: Carl Nicks, T, Nebraska (6-5, 341)

Fifth round tackle. Yawn.

Round 6: Taylor Mehlhaff, K, Wisconsin (5-10, 183)

If his first name was “Jack” and didn’t have the letters “h-l-h” in his last name, The Saints Guy might find it humorous that a pick was wasted in the sixth round on a kicker.

Round 7: Adrian Arrington, WR, Michigan (6-3, 202)

Please refer to Tracy Porter’s write-up and replace “cornerback” with “receiver”.

There’s your preemptive Saints Guy draft thoughts. And I’ll end today with a tribute for our new defensive lines coach Ed BY GOD Orgeron.

Be of good cheer.

The Dramatic Return of The Saints Guy

Welcome to Radio City Music Hall for the authoritative, indispensable and essential return of The Saints Guy. Please take your seat. Nearly every seat is open. Seriously, you can sit on stage if you like.

**** CHUCK MANGIONE BEGINS TRUMPET FANFARE (and turns it into Feels So Good)****

*The Price is Right’s late Rod Roddy walks to the podium.*

*Rod: After a 170-day, 19-hour and 42-minute hiatus... Back by not-so-popular demand, The Saints Guy returns to the interweb!!!

*The Saints Guy walks out to the applause of The Saints Babe, his mom and The Saints Pup. It's the Jay Sherman 10th Anniversary Special all over again. Gotta love the readers.*

Thank you! Thank you all so much!

*Rod: You’re playing PUH-LINKOOOOO!!!!!*

That’s enough, Rod. It’s so nice to be back!

*Rod: A NEW CAHRRRRR!!!!!!*

Alright, back to your cage.

Wow, so many people to thank! And they’re both here. Again it’s great to be back.

Sports were fantastic all year long. 2007 was great; 2008 is shaping up to be epic.

So much has happened during The Saints Guy’s hiatus. The playoffs, Super-duper-bowl XLII, and the NFL Draft. The Saints trade up for a stud defensive tackle, and the Falcons signed a kid that hasn’t taken a pro snap to an ungodly contract guaranteeing him $34.75 million that could be worth as much as $72m.

The New York Jersey Giants pulled a biblical sorts of an upset over the Goliathian Patriots (more on this later).

In basketball, our New Orleans Hornets had the feel-good story of the year, and Chris Paul was robbed of the MVP just because we didn’t finish first in the West. Kevin Garnett made the Celtics relevant again, but they can’t seem to win a road playoff game.

The Bay Rays are leading the AL East a fourth of the season through and the “new and improved” Detroit Tigers started 0-7 and still have an atrocious record. The Yankees suck and the $21m (that’s not a lot) Marlins are on or near the top of the NL East.

I took the Saints Babe to Fenway Park for the first time in our lives, and we loved every minute of our five-day New England trip minus 36 hours. We even watched Game 7 of the Celtics-Hawks series from the authentic Cheers bar in downtown Boston.

Kansas wins an unbelievable overtime game in the NCAA championship, while the Chicago Bulls pull off lottery upset of the millennium with a 1.7 percent chance to pick No. 1 overall.

The Seattle Supersonics have been held hostage by a power-hungry owner and an irate commissioner. Shaq tried to make broken-down Phoenix a contender, while hockey of all sports is making a comeback.

It’s not just sports, either.

Lost has become the best show on televion (and has been for three years; The Saints Babe and I have finally caught up), and the seventh season of American Idol was outstanding (that was said in all sincerity). Lindsay Lohan will have full-frontal nudity in her new movie to show she’s a “mature actress” (her words), while 15-year-old Miley Cyrus’s camp has already been contacted by Hugh Hefner about a possible photo shoot in the future (Conservative Cyrus’ camp’s response? No comment.).

Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination in what seems like four months ago, but Hilary won’t let him go, which means an Anti-Bush Republican will quite possibly make an upset win because of this.

Coldplay is about to have a new album out, and my favorite superhero growing up (Ironman) had a phenomenal big-screen debut. Grand Theft Auto IV is out and Metal Gear Solid 4 will be out soon, although I have neither right now (throw in the nerd Dom). But the biggest video game news EVER is Online Dynasties in NCAA 2009, meaning I can revive old rivalries with friends that actually grew up.

Yes, what a great time for a comeback. It’s been a long time, and I shouldn’t have left you. May God bless you all. Don't forget the E-mails to saintsguy@gmail.com! First E-mailer will be honored and recognized!

*The Saints Guy blows kisses into the crowd and exits stage right. More applause. Same people.*

*Jeopardy’s Don Pardo’s voice over the P.A.*

*DON: That’s right, Saints Guy, you’re BACK! Ladies and gentlemen, The Saints Guy!”*